There are gift-giving alternatives that can minimize clutter and increase positive memories. This is an idea to consider as spring brings us into one of the gift-giving seasons with graduations, weddings, anniversaries, father’s day and birthdays.

Growing up, our daughters certainly had their share of toys, but often they invented their own games and fun. Celebrating birthdays and special events along with gift-giving was integral to their childhood. Over time, however, it became increasingly difficult to find the right gift because neither of them, especially Cassie, wanted more “things.”

When Cassie was quite young, we asked her what she would like for one of her birthdays. She asked if we could “give her experiences instead of things.” Cassie’s question helped reframe our view about gifts. We changed our focus from giving things to doing things. We substituted clothing, jewelry and toys for plays, special days, and adventures. It’s been interesting to replace giving “stuff” with instead giving opportunities for more time together. We’ve received the benefit of minimizing clutter, creating more family time, and filling our hearts with wonderful memories.

Where is your clutter? Do you see it in the stacks that fill the surfaces of your furniture and floors? Is it in the pile of clothes covering your chair or bed? Is it concealed behind closed closet doors or spare room? Is the clutter the one piece of paper that sits on the kitchen counter? Perhaps the clutter isn’t of a physical nature, but instead manifests itself with the stray thoughts swimming inside your head. Maybe the clutter is in the form of overscheduled calendars and long “to do” lists.

Where ever or whatever it is, I’ve noticed that everyone has different clutter tolerance levels. What is clutter to one person is no problem for another. It’s fascinating! In my book, The Other Side of Organized, chapter 5 is devoted only to ideas about clutter. This is perhaps the number one reason why clients enlist my help. What I hear most often is that they are “overwhelmed by clutter.” People become overwhelmed at different points.

We love our things, whether it’s our possessions or our activities. And there is nothing intrinsically wrong with that. The problem arises when the things and events of life take over and begin wearing us out emotionally or taking over our physical spaces.  We become stressed and agitated when the clutter prevents us from living the life we desire. As I mentioned, each of us responds differently to clutter. These clutter tolerance differences can often be the source of conflicts and tension between people and in families.

For example, if one person has a zero clutter tolerance comfort level that means they are not comfortable with anything being out of place or covering surfaces. One piece of paper on a counter could upset them.  If they are living with someone that tends to collect papers in piles, this could cause problems for both of them. The zero clutter tolerance person gets annoyed with the other person and can’t understand why they make piles all over. The piler’s self-esteem can be eroded if the other person has no tolerance for their different style of being and berates them for being “messy.”

There is no easy or single answer to this, but I do have a few ideas. In our house, we have different styles and clutter tolerance levels. So to work with the variety, we have established personal and communal areas. In the personal areas, each of us keeps those areas exactly as they want. In the communal areas, we are more respectful of each other’s needs. I prefer to have less things accumulate, but realize that if someone is working on a project, things will be out of place for a time. However, when the project is done, those things get put away. In our daughters’ room, they don’t necessarily prefer to put things away regularly. So the door to their room gets closed and they keep the room as they like. When the clutter gets too much for them, they restore it to a more comfortable state.

Tolerance and respect is key. We don’t think or do things the same way. This is a good thing. It’s a matter of figuring out ways to work and live together, respecting those differences, helping one another where we can and letting go of what we can’t control.

I’d love to share a good story with you about the challenges of letting go of the familiar. I’ve wanted do some interior painting for let’s just say, “quite a while.” I’m not ready to give divulge exactly what “quite a while” means, but please just use your imagination. We got some estimates, selected the painter and made the plan. People do work in their homes all the time. There is nothing unique about what we’re doing. But even so, I’m finding this experience quite interesting.

What started out as “just a paint job,” has quickly turned into dozens of decisions and other side projects. I’m guessing that you know what I mean. For example, if you’re repainting then what about replacing the blinds and the towel bars and the closet interiors? Each new project requires research and choices. This is not necessarily a bad thing; instead, it transforms what was going to be something simple and expands the scope. Please understand that I’m completely aware that this is all my doing. I made the choice to do this work and have added extras during the process.

The paint colors were selected and the other decisions were made. Then came the “getting prepared” part. That involved completely emptying our bedroom and bathroom. Over the years, I’ve spent a good amount of time organizing those spaces so that I don’t have to think very hard about finding my clothes or accessories. They are placed where I need them and it makes the basics of daily living less stressful. Now imagine a situation almost like “52 Pick-Up.” With the things temporarily moved to various locations throughout our home, the order has been seriously altered. It’s almost like being a guest in your own home. You’ve got your stuff with you, but it’s not organized the way you’re accustomed to. It’s a strange feeling to say the least.

As we were emptying the closets and taking all the paintings off the walls, I felt a bit melancholy. It seemed like we were moving, even though we weren’t. It was also sad to be changing something that was so familiar and comfortable. But the funny part was that we weren’t moving. We were in fact improving our environment. Even so, there was an odd sense of loss. What was that about? In order to make this change, we had to be willing to let go of the familiar. We had to be willing to be uncomfortable and out of sorts temporarily, to make things better.

I so much appreciated a phone call from my husband today. He reminded me that even though he knows how difficult the disarray is for me, he also knows that the result will be well worth the inconvenience. He reminded me to keep focused on what it would feel like once it was done.

This experience parallels many of the things my clients experience around getting organized. They desire to do something different, to have less stress and to make their environments support rather than hinder their daily living. At the same time, anxiety and loss often accompany the process of moving to this desired place. I too am experiencing something similar. I appreciate how hard it is to make changes, even when they are for the better. It requires effort and inconvenience and of course, letting go. But I’m guessing that in a few days from now, when the pictures are back on the freshly painted walls, the clothes are hung in the newly installed closet and our bed is back in the bedroom, I will quickly forget about the discomfort I felt and instead completely enjoy the renewed space and sense of calm.

What is so important about letting go? Why have I devoted chapter four of my book, The Other Side of Organized, to this specific topic? On a daily basis, the work I do with my clients revolves around letting go. Many days are spent editing and releasing papers, clothing, dishes, memorabilia, expired groceries, books, jewelry, toys, gifts, bags and many other items.

Letting go of these physical belongings, especially when they consume space and no longer provide value, transforms the attitude of the person releasing them. While they have had challenges in the past with letting go, when they finally fill bags of items to donate, recycle or discard, they become almost giddy. Their spaces, which felt overwhelming and cluttered, become places that feel good to live in. I feel fortunate that my clients allow me to be part of this transformative process.

What happens when you know it’s time to let go but you aren’t quite ready? The truth is that I’m thinking about a different type of letting go- not things, but children. Our youngest daughter is about to graduate high school. While it’s not time yet, she will be leaving for college in a few short months. After having kids, friends and activities grace our home for 20 plus years, our lives are about to dramatically change. Cassie is excited to be going to college. She’s ready. Intellectually, I know this is a good thing.

While I’ve thought about this time, prepared the best I could, encouraged more independence and pulled back a bit, there is still a pang in my heart because I understand that this beautiful segment of our lives is coming to a close. Sure, we’ll always be parents. Sure, we’ll always be here if our daughters need us. But the way we live day to day will cease to exist as we know it. This is the natural progression of raising kids. You nurture, love and encourage them. Then they go off and make their way in the world. It’s what you raise them to do.

I know a few things about letting go. It’s a necessity. It isn’t easy. But when you are willing to let go of what needs to be released, wonderful things do happen. I know Cassie will spread her wings and perhaps her parents will, too.