Sheila Delson - "Ask the Expert" interview about Letting GoThe arrival of spring brings more dynamic, inspiring leaders with the “Ask the Expert” interview series. So far this year, we’ve spoken with Laura Berman Fortgang about next steps, Judith Kolberg about change, and Sue West about fresh starts. This month I’m excited to share with you an outstanding leader in the professional organizing industry, Sheila Delson, to share her insights and wisdom about letting go.

Sheila and I have been friends and colleagues for almost 20 years. The first time we met, she arrived at my house bringing a delicious loaf of lavender-infused bread that she had just baked. The lavender had been picked from her beautiful garden. We talked for hours about the organizing industry, her newly launched business, life, and family. Twenty years later, our conversations and friendship continue. A trusted confidant, I have great admiration for her compassion, intelligence, dedication, creativity, and integrity. I also want to congratulate Sheila for being given just this week, the most prestigious honor in our industry, the 2013 NAPO Founders' Award. My deepest thanks goes to Sheila for taking the time to join us. Before we begin, here’s more about her.

Sheila Delson, CPO-CD®, is owner and President of FREEDomain Concepts, LLC, founded in 1994.  She is a Certified Professional Organizer specializing in Chronic Disorganization, ADHD and compulsive hoarding. Sheila is a co-founder and Past President of the Institute for Challenging Organization (ICD), a co-developer of the group’s Certification Program, a Master Trainer, and an original co-author of the ICD Clutter-Hoarding Scale.  An active member of the National Association of Professional Organizers (NAPO), Sheila currently serves on the NAPO-NY Chapter Board of Directors, and is an award recipient from both organizations for her contributions to the professional organizing industry. You can connect with Sheila on her website.

Linda Samuels:  You’re an expert that specializes in working with the chronically disorganized population? What makes letting go particularly challenging for this group?

Sheila Delson:  What is particularly difficult for this population is their extreme emotional attachment to things, which is frequently fear-based and sometimes caused by a false belief system. The added struggle is the incongruence between what a person intellectually understands to be normal and acceptable, and what she or he intuitively understands may not be.  This is a frustrating scenario for most of the chronically disorganized population.

Linda:  What are a few creative techniques you use to encourage the letting go process?

Sheila:  I try to desensitize and normalize the object by asking the client to describe the importance of an item. I write down the answer (making it concrete), then together we reality-check the response to both their intellectual and intuitive senses. To do this process I try to formulate questions avoiding language words like you, your, they, and them. For example, “Can you explain to me what is so important about this item?” and ”Can you tell me how this item supports the plan we just developed? Does your response match that plan or hinder it?”  I do use the word “we” because it brings the conversation into the present time…not of the past because ‘change’ happens in the present. Minimizing the personalization factor provides the client with a perspective advantage because it minimizes the emotional connection.

Linda:  What has been the most surprising discovery about letting go?

Sheila:  How is it both painful and liberating all at the same time, and the fact that the process is so different for everyone.  Similar to an anesthetic, a qualified Professional Organizer provides direction, council, and ultimately relief to the process.

Linda:  Do you have a letting go philosophy?

Sheila:  It’s about being more mindful of the choices we make and of the things that surround our environment and their meaning to our lives today.  Just because it was meaningful once doesn’t always mean it has that same benefit today.  In fact it may have the opposite effect!  I like to use a modified version of the Tony Robins’ mantra (brackets mine): “The past doesn’t [have to] equal the future,” – unless we choose to allow it to be - for better or worse!

Linda:  What has been your biggest personal challenge around letting go?

Sheila:  You know it’s really the same as it is for my clients. Hey…we’re human, right?  We all get so busy, and the months, years pass by so fast that we don’t pay attention to the things that have accumulated. We get overwhelmed by daily pressures and then procrastinate deciding on how we should feel about an item or what to do with it. Instead of mindful choosing we procrastinate and mindlessly shove it into a file drawer, or onto a pile, or into a closet, and slam the door!  For me, learning to become more ‘mindful’ has been my salvation and is what I try to impart to my clients. It is a deliberate, conscious activity that can be learned and developed.

Linda:  Is there anything you’d like to share about letting go that I haven’t asked?

Sheila:  Yes…”Downsizing.”  With all the ‘Boomers’ now coming of age, I think this term has negative implications for many.  The very word “down” makes people want to avoid, avoid, avoid! It’s an old term that doesn’t have the same relevancy today that it did 50 years ago. Today’s boomer age group are still working and are active contributors in their communities and families.  For today’s boomers, it’s not about “DOWN” anything, but more about “RIGHT making and LIGHT making,” mindfully reviewing a lifetime of accumulation of things and letting go of the things that hold us (down) back by carefully choosing the things that continue to support where we are today, going forward. 

Thank you, Sheila for sharing your thoughts about letting go. You’ve identified many ideas that resonate with me like using desensitization to minimize emotional attachments to our possessions, getting past our past, and engaging in mindfulness. All of these are essentials in the letting go process.

I invite all of you to join Sheila and me to continue the conversation. We’d love to hear your ideas about letting go. What letting go challenges or successes have you experienced recently? 

“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.”

- Anna Quindlen

Life’s not perfect, but it’s pretty darn wonderful. Why are we so demanding of our selves, others, and situations? Why do we expect perfection, when we know it doesn’t exist, except perhaps if we’re talking about chocolate lava cake? Letting go of the idea of perfection is one of the secrets to happiness.

I am not suggesting that you abandon striving for excellence. I’m instead encouraging you to consider another perspective, one that keeps you moving forward in a positive way. When perfection is the goal, it can cause procrastination or paralysis. How about replacing the perfection goal with excellence, personal best, pretty freaking awesome, really great, or good enough. What else might work?

On your way to fabulous, remember to give yourself a high five, and delight in what you are doing and being. Be grateful for the joy and beauty that is present every day. It’s time to let go of perfect. Go out there and be awesome! It’s good enough.

When you let go of perfection, what will be possible? Come join the conversation and share your thoughts about letting go, perfection, and good enough.

What is your most surprising discovery about letting go? I asked several of my wonderful colleagues (Elisa Macomber, Deb Lee, Yota Schneider, Ellen Delap, Randi Lyman, Cena Block, Janine Adams, Diane Quintana, Nancy Borg, Grant Willcox) to ponder this question and share their thoughts with us. Their responses are filled with ah-has, courage, and hope. My gratitude goes to each of them for taking the time to reflect, and give us their insightful, encouraging words of wisdom. If you are struggling to let go, perhaps you will discover a nugget here to help you move forward.

What is your most surprising discovery about letting go? . . .

1. Relinquish Fear

“Letting go of something, whether it's an old item, a negative belief, or an ex-flame, requires getting past the fear that there will be nothing to replace that void. But I've learned over the years that once we let go of what no longer suits us, something greater and better awaits us. I have often found myself chuckling why I didn't let go sooner or what was I so afraid of? That is the beautiful trick  - to keep our eyes to what lies ahead of us, coming right at us, to enrich our lives for the better.”

Elisa Macomber, Placement Designer & Blogger

2. Acknowledge Paradox

“Sometimes, the things I expect will be difficult to let go of are actually very easy to part with. And, the things that are not that meaningful make me question whether or not I really should give them up. It’s an interesting and surprising paradox, but, thankfully, thinking about the feeling of freedom I’ll have once I let go gets me through it.”

Deb Lee, CPO^®, Certified Professional Organizer^®, Blogger & App Addict

3. Expand Learning

“I’ve had a wealth of opportunities to practice holding on and letting go. I know the feeling of having crossed the desert only to find an oasis of renewed energy and enthusiasm for my life. I’ve experienced the healing sense of relief and expansion that comes with letting go what doesn’t work for me anymore. Yet, I can still get blindsided by denial. Others can see what I need to let go of but not me. How can that be? Maybe expecting an end to the process of learning is what I need to let go of."

Yota Schneider, Life Transitions Coach 

4. Welcome Possibilities

“Letting go empowers you to take a bold step forward and permit new opportunities to come to you. Almost immediately your next connection will come into being because you are open to new possibilities. Why not let go today of what is complete and make yourself available to what is fresh and new?”

Ellen Delap, CPO^®, Certified Family Manager Coach

5. Change Perspective

“I made a conscience effort to quit a habit that didn't serve my current lifestyle. Once I realized that the habit was gone for good, I felt as if hundreds of pounds had been lifted from me. Now that I was free from that habit, there was space in my life for something new. This created a welcomed sense of accomplishment, inner strength and self-determination.”

Randi Lyman, CPO-CD^®, Professional Organizer

6. Activate Courage

“Letting go is much easier to do, than it is to think about doing. Letting go has everything to do with trust and courage. As I’ve clarified my path in life and business, I have much less fear, worry, or concern about letting go. As I’ve learned to let go, my path has become clearer, my work more effortless, and results more tangible.  Letting go is a transformation that takes place despite your worry – and is a result of doing the very thing you worry about.”

Cena Block, Mompreneur Mentor, Speaker & Author

7. Experience Freedom

“That letting go of objects can be so freeing. When I declutter, I open up myself to new possibilities. Even when it’s been hard to make the decision to let an item go, I’m almost always filled with good feelings once it has been donated – it’s very rare for me to feel even a twinge of regret. I wish more of my clients realized this!”

Janine Adams, CPO^®, CPO-CD^®, Professional Organizer, Speaker & Blogger

8. Engage Mindfulness

“I was amazed and delighted to discover that by letting go of a pre-conceived notion I was free to make remarkable progress toward a long-term goal I had. Prior to letting go, I had not been aware that a part of my subconscious continued to be occupied with this preconceived notion even though I was actively working toward my goal. Letting go of this notion allowed me the space to breathe and to be fully engaged in the work I needed to do to attain my goal; to be totally mindfully present.”

Diane Quintana, CPO-CD^®, CPO^®, Professional Organizer, Speaker & Blogger

9. Prioritize Treasures

“My personal experience of moving 33 years of ‘life stuff’ sheds interesting light on ‘letting go.’  We all move somewhere at sometime in our lives, and so it's an interesting exercise for anyone to think about what they'd prioritize to take along on their eventual journey. Letting go of possessions that no longer provide significant value, and virtually exist because they've been ignored, do not tug at the heartstrings as much.  I suggest letting go of what doesn't hurt first, and then find creative ways to commemorate the abundant treasures without having to keep them all.”

Nancy Borg, Professional Organizer & Blogger

10. Embrace Flow

“I've found by letting go, the things we aim for will more often than not come to us anyway, but in a delightfully unforced way. In letting go and stepping out of the 'torrent of tasks' we become re-centered, re-focused & rebalanced. There is a lot to be learned by the Chinese Proverb " Don't Push the River - It flows by itself. " It's such a graceful reminder, which inspires me to let go on a regular basis.”

Grant Willcox, Success Specialist

Which ideas resonate with you? I love the variety in these responses, which include thinking about letting go of possessions, fear, habits, and negative beliefs in order to embrace new possibilities, growth, and clarity. I’d love to hear from you. Come join the conversation and share your thoughts about letting go challenges, successes, or surprises. What are your thoughts?

Something exciting is happening. While this spring seems to be off to a slow bloom, the letting go energy that often accompanies this season is blossoming big time. Between clients, friends, family, and acquaintances, the permeating mood is about releasing those things that no longer serve us and are weighing us down. I’ve joined the letting go ranks too, as I prepare for a tag sale this spring. It’s time to clear the space, the decks, the closets, and more. It’s time to create room and energy for what we want in our lives, and release the extraneous.

When our spaces are cluttered with things that no longer serve a purpose, those possessions drain our mental and physical energy. Too much of our resources go to thinking about and maintaining them. When objects clutter our spaces, it becomes difficult to easily move through our day. We feel heavy and encumbered. We might even feel hopeless and depressed.

“When our spaces are cluttered with things that no longer serve a purpose, those possessions drain our mental and physical energy.”

— Linda Samuels, CPO-CD®, CVPO

When we let go, what happens? We often experience a sense of lightness, freedom, happiness, clarity, or growth. Positivity envelops us; perhaps a sense of giddiness enters our being. I experience this wonderful shift regularly with my clients. There is a huge sigh of relief when the weight of those paper piles, or crowded closets, or floors covered with overflowing shopping bags are released. The smiles return, as the letting go increases. The things, which once cluttered our rooms and thoughts, are no longer obstacles.

Are you ready to exercise your letting go muscles? Which questions will be most helpful with your releasing journey? Create your mix of prompts and let me know what you discover.

21 Letting Go Prompts

Do you love it?

Do you need it?

Does it need you?

Do you want it?

Does it fit?

Does it look good on you?

Do you have space for it?

What can easily be released?

Has it overstayed its welcome?

If you released it, would you miss it?

If you saw it now, would you buy it again?

Is it taking up too much mental or physical space?

Is it worth the real estate, energy, and maintenance?

Does it support your current needs?

Could someone else use it?

When was the last time you referred to, needed, or wore it?

Do you have other similar items that you like better?

How many is enough?

Are your things preventing growth?

Are your things taking you away from what’s most important to you?

What will become possible for you when you let go?

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Come join the conversation. What are your letting go challenges or successes? What helps you release those things that are holding you back?