Clutter comes in many forms. Often we see a physical display with our paper piles, overflowing closets, or garages too full for the car. But there is also mental clutter where our thoughts take over in unproductive ways. Mind clutter causes undue anxiety and stress. Have you experienced mind clutter? If so, you’re not alone. One of my friends recently said to me that, especially now during the COVID-19 pandemic, it’s useful to let go of “If only…” from your vocabulary.

What valuable wisdom! Those “if only” phrases can breed regret and anxiety. They aren’t beneficial for your wellbeing or peace of mind. I noticed how often I was going down the “if only” road. I also realized how that type of thinking cluttered my mind and made me feel helpless. Have you walked down this path before?

Some of my mind cluttering thoughts focused on my mom. She has dementia and lives in a memory care facility. They have been on lockdown for almost two months, and I haven’t been able to visit her. Many residents there have died from COVID-19, and my mom tested asymptomatic positive a few weeks ago. I kept thinking, “If only I could see her.”  I worried about her wellbeing, whether she’d survive the virus, and whether I’d ever see her again. I know that many people are experiencing similar situations with their loved ones. It’s heartbreaking.

My mind was also cluttered with worry over our older daughter’s safety. She lives, works, and volunteers in Brooklyn, which is one of the hotbeds of the COVID-19 outbreak. I kept thinking, “If only I could bring her home or wrap her in a protective bubble.” I know. These thoughts were not realistic. She’s an adult and very much in charge of her own life. However, as her mom, my instinct to protect her flooded my thoughts.

“Those ‘if only’ phrases can breed regret and anxiety.”

— Linda Samuels

These are just a few examples of my internal “if only” conversations. I’m guessing you see how unproductive these thoughts were. I had no control over these situations. Little by little, I stopped using this phrase. Instead, I have been harnessing all the mindfulness resources I have available, like meditation, yoga, and nature. They help me focus on the present and relinquish control about uncertainties. I continually work at this. On the good days, I’m more agile and able to lean into what arises, be present with now, and stay in the moment. I let go of “if only.”

I’ve read that 85-90% of the things we worry about never happen. Mind clutter worry is unproductive. And as it turns out, it’s a good teacher too. There was a beautiful twist (and lesson) in my “if only” exploration. 

“Mind clutter worry is unproductive. And as it turns out, it’s a good teacher too.”

— Linda Samuels

Mom waving hello

Last week, I had in-person visit (masked and at a physical distance,) one with my mom and another with our daughter. I cannot begin to express how much good it did my heart and mind to be in their presence. What a joy being with them. Even though I received photos and regular updates about my mom, seeing her walk, sing, smile, and wave lifted my heart and spirits.

Our daughter, Allison, turned 30 this week. My husband and I drove to Brooklyn to bring her some birthday goodies and hang out for a quick visit. During the pandemic, we’ve talked and Zoomed, but being in her physical presence was such a gift. I felt settled, seeing that she was doing just fine.

Allison in Brooklyn - Two Tree Studios

In challenging times there is learning. And this time is a great teacher. I learned to let go of unproductive mind clutter, to release control over the uncontrollable, to trust the strength of others, and to soak in the beautiful moments of connection and calm. 

Have you experienced mind clutter recently? What helps you navigate the chatter? I’d love to hear your thoughts. I invite you to join the conversation. 

This past weekend we time maneuvered and set our clocks ahead. It was the annual ‘spring forward’ in preparation for next. I know there are reasons to change our clocks ahead in the spring and back in the fall. While I’ve been diligently implementing this switch for decades, I still experience some confusion and discomfort. For example, some of our clocks, such as our digital devices, automatically change time. While other ones like our alarm and analog wall clocks have to be manually altered. My husband is great about changing our many clocks. Thank you, Steve! I’m responsible for only a few, such as my watch and car.

Our ‘spring forward’ time-changing ritual made me reflect on the connections it has with next. 

3 Strong Connections Between ‘Spring Forward’ and Next That Will Help You

1. Mindfulness

When the clocks changed, a shift in the daylight did too. With the sun rising earlier and setting later, there was an extended period of light during the waking hours. The increase in sunlight positively affected my mood. With the brighter sun and warmer day, it beckoned me to go outside to walk, notice, feel, and sense. Time and light change also signaled a definite shift. Next had arrived. Something was altered. I felt a nudge to open my attention to the arrival of the new season. What are you noticing?

2. Flexibility

In the same way, that time appears fluid with the bi-annual adjustments we make, I recognized the value of flexibility during a recent emergency. My mom, who has vascular dementia, ended up in the ER last week. Without getting into great detail, I will share that the moment-to-moment situation kept changing. Even as I write this post, there is uncertainty. Having a plan, but being flexible, has been helpful for me emotionally. I know that so much is out of my control, but there are some aspects I can act on. I think of this the same as time. I have no control over what time it is, but I can move the crown on my watch to set the time. In this same way, I move to next with patience, compassion, love, and flexibility as I navigate the mom situation.

3. Gratitude

Time is constant. The sun rises and sets each day as the hands of the clock touch the hours. In these days of chaos and uncertainty, there is comfort in knowing the pattern of time. From this base of consistency and knowing, gratitude flows forward. There is so much to be grateful for. There is the comfort of connecting with friends, family, and community, the smell of spring arriving, the feeling of the warm sun on my skin, noticing the snowdrop flowers emerge from the dirt and hearing the words, “I love you,” softly said by my mom. Time moves on with the tick of the clock. Don’t rush the moments of beauty. Savor and hold them close.

What has ‘spring forward’ sparked for you? Do you see a connection with the time changing and next? I’d love to hear your thoughts. I invite you to leave a comment and join our conversation.

Have ever tried to change a habit like putting your keys in a designated spot, being punctual, eating more vegetables, cutting out sweets, reducing your digital device dependency, or pausing before saying “yes” to requests? If so, you know how hard a habit change can be. You often start out determined and mindful, yet can get quickly derailed when you’re stressed, discouraged, or distracted.  I’ve personally experienced the trials and tribulations around my own habit changes. As a professional organizer, I support my clients’ change of habits, environments, and transitions during their getting organized journeys and see firsthand how much effort lasting change takes.

When you practice and repeat the behavior you desire, it becomes a habit. Most experts agree that simple habit changes generally take 21 days to establish, while more challenging ones such as weight loss or mindfulness practice can take at least six months.

 A while ago, I took a habit change course from the insightful psychologist and author, Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D. He is co-founder of the Center for Mindful Living in Los Angeles. I appreciate his direct approach. In the seminar, he described six habits that lead to lasting change, which I will share with you. 

6 Helpful Habits That Will Boost Lasting Change

1. Relax

When you are relaxed, your focus, learning, thinking, and decision-making improves. These conditions create an environment that is conducive to lasting change. Develop awareness around feeling relaxed. Notice when you brace. Does it happen at specific times of the day or when you are around certain people? When you find yourself bracing, soften your body. In turn, it will relax and soften your brain.

2. Mindfulness & Focus

Practicing mindfulness reduces mind busyness, improves the clarity of thoughts, and increases productivity and the ability to focus. One way to practice mindfulness is to single-task. If you are doing an email, just email. If you are eating, just eat. If you are exercising, only exercise. Developing mindful awareness will be a benefit to the changes you seek.

3. Trust in Yourself

Self-compassion and forgiveness grow your emotional intelligence. When you trust yourself, it will quiet your inner critic, improve your sense of self-worth, and increase your resilience when you encounter obstacles. Take self-compassion breaks. Understand what you need to self-soothe. Forgive yourself for regressions, remain curious, and invite yourself to begin again. The route to new habits is not a straight path.

4. Savor

Positive emotions like joy, gratitude, and awe increase resiliency during challenging moments, improve physical health and increase happiness. Take joy breaks by savoring the good moments. Practice gratitude by making a daily list of things like the health of your family, lying down in your cozy bed, feeling the sun warm your body, or thinking about the loved ones in your life. Practice relational joy, which is witnessing other people experiencing good moments. Mentally send encouraging thoughts to them.

5. Accept Change

There will be ups and downs when it comes to change. Accepting the undulating pattern will help you get unstuck sooner, be more grateful at the highs, and more graceful at the lows. Stay present-focused. Get perspective on what matters right now. This will help you align actions with intentions.

6. Connect

Feeling connected is often the missing piece to sustaining change. When you are connected to others, you will feel naturally inspired to change, receive more support and accountability for your habits, and learn from others. A coach, mentor, family, or friend can be in your connection circle. Increase your sense of connection and positive emotions through journaling or doing loving-kindness meditation. When you visualize the link you have with others, you actually feel the connection. Do a relationship inventory. Think about the top ten people you are in contact with most frequently and rate them from one to ten. Ask, “Does this person inspire me to make positive changes in my life?”

The hidden success driver to make lasting change comes from not going it alone. Seek regular, ongoing guidance and accountability from a group, coach, family member, or friend. What helps you create positive habits? Do any of these ideas resonate with you? I’d love to hear your thoughts. I invite you to leave a comment and join the conversation.

It’s that wonderful time of year again. The season of entertaining, party-going, gatherings, lights, and sparkles has arrived. Thanksgiving is coming, and my husband and I are preparing to host 25 loved ones for the big feast. However, festivities can also bring us humans extra stress and unrealistic expectations.

As someone who has hosted over 100 gatherings over the past 35+ years, I’ve learned a few things that can help you shift your perspective so you’ll feel more love, gratitude, and stress. Are you ready to garner more happiness in your holidays? Keep reading.

three essential elements to entertaining: people, environment, and plan

People

All parties start with the guests. As you decide who will be on your invite list for your next event, think of each person and what you love about them. Imagine how much you will enjoy talking with them, having them over, and seeing them connect with others.

• Will you include immediate and extended family?

• Will you only invite friends?

• Will you make it a combination event of family and friends?

  Choose how many people you are comfortable entertaining. We love small gatherings with just a few friends or family as much as larger parties with more people. 

Once you finalize your guest list, create your invitation. It can be a casual email or text, a phone call, an electronic evite, or a more formal snail-mail paper invite. Be sure to include the four W’s- who, what, where, and when. Make it simple.  

Then, track your RSVPs so you know how many people to expect.  It's relatively common that a few people won't respond to your invite, so you may need to follow up with them.
 

ENVIRONMENT

Every gathering has a setting. What feel do you want to have? Providing places for people to sit, stand, and mingle are the basics. Think about flow. You can decorate or not. I love having fresh flowers, but it’s not necessary. I clean up a bit, but I don’t go crazy. Most guests don’t care about that. It’s more about the environment you want to create and providing some beverages and food.

Think about if you want a casual potluck type event or a more formal sit down where you are providing all or most of the food. If you don’t like to cook, you can either ask people to bring dishes or buy premade food. You can have a gathering with just desserts and coffee, or appetizers and drinks. It doesn’t have to be elaborate. Unless you adore cooking, the simpler you make the menu, the less stress and more fun you’ll have. 

My husband and I are a good tag team. We like to cook for the events, but that’s not for everyone. So honor what you enjoy and do that.

While you are preparing the food, setting the table, or cleaning, focus on what you are doing and who you are doing it for. Practice mindfulness. Experience joy in the process of getting ready to welcome the special people into your home. One of my favorite quotes and beautiful reminders from Anna Quindlen is . . .

“I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less.”

— Anna Quindlen

Quindlen’s quote resonates with me. It’s something I’ve learned to do over the years. As an organizer, I tended to focus on getting things done. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. However, when I combine that with appreciating the doing, life is infinitely more enjoyable and less stressful.

PLAN

For some, preparation is the aspect of entertaining that can be the most stressful. You’re anticipating all of the details and action items for the party, which can feel overwhelming. It’s ironic, too, because it is the planning that can reduce a lot of the overall stress. Knowing what you need to do and when you are blocking out the time to do it is useful.

One strategy that works well for me is to work my lists. I save Word documents electronically to easily update them from year to year. I don’t have to reinvent the wheel every time. For example, with Thanksgiving, I have three lists:

• Overall List: Includes guests, items people are bringing, the meal order, and overall to-dos.

• Day-By-Day Task List: Details what to do each day leading up to the event.

• Shopping List: Organized by date and shopping venue. I invest 30-45 minutes in organizing and updating the files. Once I plan, my mind can relax and focus on the doing. Contact me if you want a copy of these lists, and I’ll gladly share them.

Another strategy is key. I mentioned that my husband and I are a good party-throwing tag team. Early in the planning process, we sit down together to coordinate our lists- as in who is doing what. We still talk about it even though we tend to do the same tasks each time (like he sets up the tables and chairs, and I decorate and set the tables). Since we both cook, we also coordinate who needs the kitchen and when. We help each other.

And it’s in helping one another that there is the opportunity for more love. Instead of letting the stress of doing get in the way, it’s a chance to support each other. We also love to reflect on previous gatherings we’ve enjoyed doing together, the funny mishaps, and the joy we feel from opening up our home to our loved ones.

There can be those moments of “oh-no!” like when one year our turkey caught on fire and the fire department came, or another year when the EMS and police arrived because one of my family members passed out.

Things will happen. Expect the unexpected. But always keep in mind why you’re having people over. It’s a time for connecting, gathering, and sharing time with your loved ones. Life is made up of moments, and the moments shared with the special people in your life are a gift.

So, as you plan, prepare, and gather this season, open your heart as you open your home. Forget about perfection. Find humor in the stressful moments. Enjoy the love, the unexpected, and the positive energy that friends and family will bring into your home.

What helps you focus on more love and less stress during the holiday season? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Join the conversation!